


40

by Emilywemily



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Ableism, Alien Biology, Alien Cultural Differences, Alien pupation, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Author Projecting onto Karkat Vantas, Chapter five HURT oh my god, Clowns, Comfort, Cults, Eventual Happy Ending, Gamzee Makara/Karkat Vantas Moirallegiance, I Made Myself Cry, I made a Spotify playlist for this!, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Intrusive Thoughts, Karkat Vantas has OCD, Mental Health Issues, Mental Illness, Mild Gore, Minor Sollux Captor/Karkat Vantas, Neurological Disorders, OCD, Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder, Pesterlog(s) (Homestuck), Projection, Rose oversteps some boundaries, So did chapter four but chapter five efghuceedscuim, Sollux is a good friend, Typing Quirks (Homestuck), based on personal experience, it’s on chapter five, not graphic, so does Vriska but we expected that from her, spider bitch being spider bitch
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-26
Updated: 2020-12-29
Packaged: 2021-03-10 21:47:34
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 7
Words: 10,819
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28324065
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Emilywemily/pseuds/Emilywemily
Summary: Karkat can’t stop counting to forty.Trigger warning for ableism and self harmAn AU where Karkat Vantas has ocd. Each chapter after the first one is his friend’s (and aquatint/enemie’s) reaction to finding out, and witnessing an episode of extreme panic brought on by said disorder.I have ocd myself. I am professionally diagnosed but I wanted to say that if you are not I want you to know that is completely valid. You are a wonderful person and I hope this helps you relate in a certain way .I don’t own homestuck
Relationships: Dave Strider/Karkat Vantas, Gamzee Makara & Karkat Vantas, Kanaya Maryam & Karkat Vantas, Rose Lalonde/Kanaya Maryam, Sollux Captor/Karkat Vantas
Comments: 10
Kudos: 38





	1. Karkat’s discovery

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning for abelism In later chapters

It started out as a normal day. Karkat was five sweeps old, almost heading into a new pupation. He was so fucking tired.   
  


He didn’t want to mature, even though he knew he had no choice. He was beginning to feel his skin harden and flake like it did before every pupation. Sighing to him self he cleared a space where the chrysalis could be formed. Being liquidised was weird. It didn’t hurt and the whole time he was fully conscious. He just couldn’t move or see. Reaching up to scratch an itch on top of his head, he noticed when he pulled his hand away a clump of hair came with it. Shit, guess it was happening now, huh?

He curled up into a ball on the floor and felt over the next ten minutes his skin harden and crack. He felt relaxed and his lusus was screeching, asking what’s wrong before it soon realized what was happening. Karkat suddenly didn’t want to stay there. Moving right now was a terrible idea. He only had about a minute left before he started to temporarily turn to liquid.   
  


And yet he had to. He didn’t know why, but the twelve year old sat up, much to the confused and scared screeching of crabdad, and walked fourty steps to the left. It just...felt right. He was going to double check, but his instincts forced him to lie down. It was only a matter of time before he’d fully pupate. His mind told him to stay still.   
  
  


“Yeah yeah I’m fuckin’ doing that, asswipe.” He growled, laughing a little at the fact that was probably the last thing he’d say before his next pupation. His skin quickly hardened and formed a case, he relaxed as he prepared for his mind to be overworking while he got a new body. Would he be taller? Stronger? Get better claws? Bigger horns? Cause the death of his friends if he didn’t count to forty?

...

what.

The fuck was that last one? He shook it off, imagining it was some weird side effect. This was his second pupation out of four total ones, so he wasn’t to used to it. His next would be in a sweep or two depending on how fast he’d mature. His first was when he entered his second sweep, which he remembered only feeling scared should a stray lussii or enraged highblood come over and attack in this extremely venerable state. He wasn’t so scared now, being as he knew that it was against the law to kill even a lowblood when they were pupating. Especially when they were inside their own hive. Yet his instincts were still hyper as he had only been a wriggler. Hell, it was before he’d even developed his limbs. It was strange as fuck getting used to walking. Looking back, he might of actually caused the death of sollux if he hadn’t talked to him forty times in the past over trollian. He had loads of funny memories of competitive-

Ok what the fuck, sponge? Why was his thinkpan acting irrational? What was the deal with the number forty? He had no clue. It was honestly starting to scare him a little. The number repeated over and over again in his head as he began to liquidate. He hoped it would stop as he finished in the next two hours...

It didn’t.   
  


And he couldn’t for the life of him figure out why.   
  


Emerging from his chrysalis, he began to slowly regain his vision. He was covered in goo and old dead skin. His thoughts hadn’t calmed down at all, but he began to be able to wiggle his fingers and limbs respectively.

He put his hands up to his face and felt it. His skin was rougher and harder, his hair was more like wire, and his claws were not longer, but sharper. “Crabdad? You there?” He called out, both to get his lusus’s attention and to test his new voice out. It was slightly deeper, and more gravely. He liked it, it suited him better he thought. His skin was not exactly darker, but a richer shade of grey. Standing up, much to his disappointment he was not any taller and had stayed the same height. Which was relatively short for his age. Especially now. He wondered if he’d ever grow.

Crabdad let out a skree of delight as he rushed over to the newly pupated teenager. He’d entered his sixth sweep. Huh.   
  


Taking forty steps back from the mirror, forty steps to the mirror, forty steps back from it, and forty steps back to it again, he stared at his reflection. He looked the same, but older. With more tired looking eyes and slightly taller horns. Though the increase in size was barely noticeable, he was still proud that now they were more visible over his mop of messy black hair.   
  


Standing there for forty seconds, he finally allowed himself to turn around. Breathing slowly he felt himself get angry. Why the fuck could he not do things normally? Pulling out his phone typed in a forty letter question. ‘ **Why can I not do things without counting to forty’**. When he didn’t get the results he wanted, he tried a different forty letter search.‘ **Counting tooo forty after your second pupation’**. Which gave him even less strict results, probably on account of him deliberately misspelling to reach the arbitrary number goal. Forty had a feeling of safety with it. A feeling of purpose and safety. 

“ _If forty makes you feel safe, then maybe it’s the only reason you haven’t hurt others”_ his inner voice chimed in. “What?” He questioned out loud. “ _Think about it. You own forty posters, have been friends with Sollux for eighty months, which is just forty times two, and now you were successful in your pupation after moving forty steps”_ he shook his head. Fucking ridiculous. All that was just one big coincidence...right?

“ _So what if it was, but can you prove it wasn’t?”  
  
_

And he actually couldn’t. He had done things relying on the number forty without even realizing it.   
  


He’d always been unlucky. So maybe this forty obsession was a good thing. If he just kept doing it, then maybe he’d stay out of dodge from the culling droids, he’d successfully lead a life and go on to help the empire if he’d just do everything in increments of forty.   
  


It was late, so he went inside his recupracoon and decided to sleep it off. Setting an alarm to wake him up after exactly eight hours just in case his hive was broken into.   
  


The scary thing was that for some reason, this was beginning to make sense to him.

After eight hours he woke up, let the alarm chime for forty seconds before pressing the on and off button forty times.   
  


It took him forty minutes to refresh his contact list for each one of his contacts forty times, and for an entire eight minutes of standing, being afraid even one wrong step would somehow alert a droid of his mutation.

This went on for four days, without him even bothering to check for new messages from any of his friends/hatefriends. Until he’d finally had enough of not leaving his house.

Maybe Gamzee could help. Sollux or Kanaya could also really help, but his moirail if what he really needed just now.

carcinoGeneticist [CG] began Trolling  terminallyCapricious [TC] 

CG: 40 GAMZEE I KNOW I DON’T USUALLY MESSAGE YOU BEFORE YOU MESSAGE ME BUT I REALLY NEED MY MOIRAIL RIGHT NOW 40

CG: 40 IV’E JUST FINISHED MY SECOND PUPATION FOUR DAYS AGO, SO I MAY LOOK A LITTLE DIFFERENT. 40

CG: 40 IM FREAKING OUT TO THE POINT I MIGHT ACTUALLY CRY 40

CG: 40 IT’S NOT TO DO WITH THE PUPATION BUT I’M EXTREMELY WORRIED I MAY BE DEFECTIVE 40

CG: 40 GAM PLEASE 40

terminallyCapricious [TC]  Joined the chat! 

TC: wOaH cAlM dOwN mOtHeRfUcKeR. 

TC: oF cOaRsE i’Ll Be RiGhT oVeR.

TC: i LiKe YoUr NeW tYpInG qUiRk BrO 

CG: 40 ITS NOT A QUIRK 40

CG: 40 ILL EXPLAIN LATER 40

CG: 40 MY THINKPAN IS, AT THE MOMENT, WHAT YOU AND YOUR FUCKED UP SPONGE WOULD CALL ‘MORE MOTHERFUCKED UP THAN A LUSSUS EATING ITS OWN WRIGGLER’ 40 (40404040) 40

CG: 40 I HAVN’T LEFT MY HIVE IN FOUR DAYS AND IM GETTING FUCKING SICK OF NOT BEING ALOWED TO. 40

TC: kArBrO, iF tHeRe’S sOmE sIcK mOtHeRfUcKeR pReVeNtInG yOu FrOm DoInG sHiT tHrOuGh FoRcE...

TC: I’ll kill them myself 

CG: 40 NO YOU INSUFFERABLE NOOKSTAIN NO ONE IS FORCING ME TO DO JACKSHIT 40

CG: 40 I JUST HAVE TO, OK? 40

carcinoGeneticist [CG] Stopped Trolling  terminallyCapricious [TC]

Maybe this fuckass will actually be helpful for once. 

It took forty minutes to get there, which Karkat appreciated. Slowly, he opened his hive door only to see the extremely tall and skinny troll staring at him. “Sup? You look good, my invertabrother” he greeted with a lazy smile. Karkat sighed. “You gonna stand there like a braindead fucker or actually enter?” He questioned, although there was no real bite to his words. He looked...sad. Like he was at a loss for words. Extremely unlike karkat. He stared at the floor, mumbling something under his breath as he held the door open for Gamzee. 

Gam reluctantly stepped inside, feeling awkward at the lack of anger that usually greeted him, or the way Karkat would try to hide a smile at the sight of Gam. It was worrying as fuck. As soon as the door was shut, Karkat sunk down to the floor.   
  


“Ummm, karbro? You good my- hey woah!” Karkat was gripping onto his hair and rocking slightly. “I can’t leave, I can’t leave I can’t leave I can’t leave! I’ve fucking tried but if I do someone’s gonna get hurt and it’ll be my fault!” He cried, refusing to look at Gam. Although Gamzee knew about his blood, it was still an instinct to hide it. That, and he did not like people seeing him cry. Karkat felt a hand on his shoulder, and looked up, red tear streaks coating his cheeks. Gamzee put a hand on his cheek slowly. “Shoosh, karkat. Shoosh. What are you so motherfucking scared about?” His voice was soft. Karkat leaned into the shooshpaps and sniffed slightly. “My thinkpan is fucked, ok?” He finally admitted.

“What do you mean, dude?” Gamzee asked unsurely. All he got was a simple head shake in response. “The number forty is all I can think of right now.” He said. Gam raised an eyebrow. 

“Why?” And to that Karkat could only shrug and wipe away his tears. “I don’t know! It’s all I can think about. Just forty forty forty forty-“

“ **KARKAT**!” Gamzee yelled, cutting the panicked teenager off from his almost incoherent rambling. “I don’t motherfucking know what’s so special about that number man, but I can tell it’s stressing you the fuck out. I’m here, ok? I’ll keep you safe while you figure shit out, ok? Just shoosh”  
  


The two teens payed next to each other for forty minutes, on request of Karkat. 

After that, he was finally ready to leave his house. Holding his breath for forty seconds, he stepped outside his hive with Gamzee. he’d stopped crying, and was now very certain he’d be ok stepping outside.

Although Gamzee couldn’t help Karkat right now, he’d be continuously trying to. And, unbeknownst to Karkat, he was tryin to hatch a plan that could help the teenager out. Whether or not it actually would or Karkat would like it was almost certainly a no, but in his mind, at least, it was worth a motherfucking shot.


	2. John

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I have copied a few of the pesterlogs in this chapter. The rest of the story, however, is 100% my own words.
> 
> NOTE: in this, karkat is a few months into his sixth sweep as apposed to having just turned

carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling  ectoBiologist [EB]

CG: 40 ATTENTION WORTHLESS HUMAN. 40

CG:40 THIS IS YOUR GOD SPEAKING. 40

CG: 40 IT IS A WRATHFUL GOD WHO DESPISES YOU MORE THAN YOU COULD HAVE POSSIBLY DARED TO FEAR. 40

CG: 40 I HAVE WATCHED YOUR ENTIRE PATHETIC LIFE UNFOLD. 40

CG: 40 I HAVE OBSERVED YOU WHILE YOU WOULD QUAKE AND TREMBLE IN PERSONAL PRAYERS OF SHAME. 40

CG: 40 WHILE YOU PLEADED FORGIVENESS FOR BEING SUCH A WRETCHED DISGUSTING FAILURE ON EVERY CONCEIVABLE LEVEL. 40

CG: 40 PROSTRATE BEFORE THE STUPID AND FALSE CLOWN GODS YOU HAVE SCRIBBLED ON THE WALLS OF YOUR BLOCK. 40

CG: 40 BOGUS DEITIES WORSHIPED BY A PRIMITIVE "PARADISE" PLANET. 40

CG: 40 BUT YOUR PRAYERS WILL NOT BE ANSWERED! 40

CG: 40 THERE ARE NO MIRACLES IN STORE FOR YOU, HUMAN. 40

CG: 40 ONLY MY HATE. 40

CG: 40 AND MY HATE IS A NEVER ENDING VOLCANO OF RAGE THAT POORS OUT LAVA OF SUFFERING IN ORDER TO PROVE TO YOUR WORTHLESS INFERIOR SPECIES 40 THAT THERE IS INFACT, NO ALL LOVING GOD 40

CG: IT IS ETERNAL, LIKE YOUR SUFFERING.

carcinoGeneticist [CG] deleted a message!

CG: 40 IT IS ETERNAL, LIKE YOUR SUFFERING. 40 

EB: hi Karkat! 

CG: 40 WHAT 40

CG: 40 HOW DO YOU KNOW MY NAME NOOKWIFF 40 

EB: oh wow! I don’t think I’ve ever seen you delete a message before! this is it, isn’t it? Our first conversation I mean.

EB: And I know your name cause we’re buddies silly

  
CG: 40 HOW IN THE GRUBLICKING FUCK WOULD I EVER SUCCUMB TO A FRIENDSHIP WITH SUCH AN INFERIOR SPECIES 40

CG: 40 I ADMIT I DO NOT KNOW YOU YET. I HAVE BEEN WRONG IN THE PAST ABOUT PEOPLE AND YOU COULD BE A VALUABLE FRIEND 40

CG: 40 BUT THAR IS HIGHLY UNLIKELY AT THIS TIME 40

  
EB: Oh hush, we’re great friends lol

EB: And humans aren’t inferior :(

EB: Wait, shit, this is in the past? You were always saying how much of a ‘GRUBFUCKING’ idiot past you was lol! 

CG: 40 ILL ADMIT THAT DOES SOUND SUSPICIOUSLY LIKE SOMETHING I’D SAY... (40) 40 

CG: 40 BUT I DONT TRUST YOU, JOHN HUMAN. 40 

EB: *Egbert 

CG: 40 FINE. HUMAN EGBERT 40

CG: 40 IV’E BEEN WRONG BEFORE, SO MAYBE HUMANS AREN’T *THAT* INFERIOR 40 

EB: yay! 

CG: 40 BUT I HAVE COME HERE TO TELL YOU THAT I AM NOT SOMEONE EASILY PRONE TO THE TROLL, AND APPARENTLY HUMAN DISEASE THAT IS “FRIENDSHIP” 40   
EB: I actually have to go, but before I do, you’re going to have to troll me in reverse 

CG: 40 WHY IN THE BULGELICKING FUCK WOULD I BOTHER DOING THAT HUMAN EGBERT JOHN 40 

EB: it’s... never mind 

EB: But to answer your question, that’s how we became friends! It’s something that’s already happened, so you really should try to avoid messing it up! 

EB: you decide to keep talking to me backwards through my adventure. 

EB: and then when you are done with that you come back and talk to me more recently on the timeline for a while. 

EB: you talk to my friends a lot as well so you’re actually real good friends with everyone. 

CG: 40 FUCKING BULLSHIT. 40 

CG: 40 BUT IF I HAVE TO...(40) 40 

CG: 40 I GUESS I WILL 40 

CG: 40 BUT IT WILL NOT BE PLEASANT 40

CG: 40 I WILL MAKE YOUR LIFE ABSOLUTE HELL THE BEST I CAN YOU SPAWN OF A BARKBEAST. 40 

CG: 40 PREPARE TO SUFFER THE MOST IMMENSELY INSULTING AND EMOTIONALLY DRAINING BACKWARDS TROLLING YOU COULD EVER IMAGINE, FUCKBULGE 40 

EB: 40 OK YOU INSUFFERABLE NOOKSTAIN 

EB: that’s my impression of you 

EB: lol! 

CG: 40 *40 40 

EB: What? 

CG: 40 IF YOU’RE GOING TO DO AN IMPRESSION, YOU HAVE TO PUT A 40 ON THE END. AT LEAST DO IT ROGHT YOU BRAINDEAD OINKBEAST-APE HYBRID LOOKING FUCKER 40 

EB: ouch lol. But I did kind of ask to be trolled ig 

EB: but why the forties on the end and at the beginning? 

EB: You act really ocd about that don’t you Karkat? 

CG: 40 WHAT DO YOU MEAN ‘ACT’ OCD 40

CG: 40 HOW CAN YOU ACT LIKE A MENTAL DISORDER 40 

EB: oh it’s just an expression 

CG: 40 WELL IT’S STUPID 40 

EB: yeah I guess it doesn’t make too much sense. 

EB: but ocd isn’t that bad of a disorder, it’s just like, wanting things clean or liking numbers a certain way 

CG: 40 FUCK YOU 40 

EB: omg what did I do now haha...or is this a hate flirting thing? 

EB: cause I’m not into that, sorry 

CG: 40 WHAT? NO! THIS IS *NOT* AN INVITATION FOR A KISMISIS 40

CG: 40 AND ACTUALLY YEAH I DO “ACT” REALLY OCD ABOUT IT 40 

CG: 40 CAUSE I FUCKING HAVE OCD 40 

CG: 40 I GOT DIAGNOSED A FEW MONTHS AGO 40 

EB: aliens can get ocd? 

CG: 40 YES WE CAN. YOU HUMAN SHITSTAIN 40 

CG: 40 NOT THAT I’M GOING INTO THE DETAILS WITH SOMEONE I JUST MET 40 

CG: 40 BUT IT FUCKING SUCKS, JUST KNOW THAT 40 

EB: wow calm down. I’m sure you’re over reacting 

EB: like yeah it’s soooo hard to deal with getting pissy about the tiniest thing out of place 

EB: Sorry maybe that was a bit mean 

CG: 40 I THOUGHT HUMANS WERE SUPPOSED TO BE MEOWBEASTS AFRAID TO PISS ANYONE OFF. I’LL ADMIT I’M IMPRESSED BY YOUR TROLLING 40

EB: you know what? No I take that back. It wasnt too mean 

EB: I heard past you was really horrible to jade 

EB: so yeah. 

EB: 40 40 40 40 

EB: ooooo you scared? Lol 

CG: 40 HAHA VERY FUNNY 40 

EB: what you gonna do? Organise my sock draw? 

CG: 40 DONT YOU HAVE SOMEWHERE TO BE? 40 

EB: Wait karkat were you being serious? I thought we were just messing about. 

CG: 40 I DO INFACT HAVE THE DISORDER YOUR SPECIES VIEWS AS THE BUTT OF THE JOKE 40 

EB: Oh shush it’s only a minor thing 

CG: 40 OH YEAH, IT’S SO FUCKING FUNNY. SO FUCKING FUNNY WHEN I COULDN’T LEAVE MY HIVE FOR FOUR DAYS 

CG: 40 SO FUNNY THAT I CAN’T EAT ANYTHING UNTIL FORTY HOURS PASS 40 

CG: 40 HA FUCKING HA 40 

EB: karkat are you ok? did I upset you? 

CG: 40 I’M NOT UPSET BY THAT. IM PISSED OFF. IMMENSELY. YOU MAY KNOW ME FROM THE FUTURE, BUT FUCK YOU FOR TRYING TO ACT LIKE IM BEING OVERDRAMATIC WHEN YOU PROBABLY ONLY MET ME ONCE BEFORE THIS OR SOMETHING. 40

EB: I didn’t know it could stop you from doing all those things... 

EB: How does that work? 

EB: Karkat? 

CG: 40 ITS CALLED A “MENTAL ILLNESS” FOR A REASON, DUMBASS 40

CG: 40 THAT MEANS IT STOPS YOU FROM DOING BASIC THINGS YOU NEED TO LIVE, LIKE EATING OR DRINKING WATER OR SLEEPING 40 

CG: 40 ALL THINGS I CANNOT DO IF I FAIL AT DOING CERTAIN THINGS IN INCREMENTS OF FORTY 40

CG: 40 IT SUCKS AND I HATE IT. BUT YA KNOW LIFE GOES ON 40 

CG: 40 CAN’T ACT LIKE A FEMALE BARKBEAST WHEN THE LITERAL UNIVERSE IS GETTING DESTROYED 40 

EB: I’m sorry. Like really sorry :(

CG: 40 WHAT? 40 

EB: I was being insensitive. Looking back, all your insults are pretty general. You don’t target specific things at least not to me. 

EB: I guess ocd is more serious than i thought if you can’t do all that. 

CG: 40 WOW OK 40 

CG: 40 THAT’S BIZARRE 40 

CG: 40 ALSO, I DON’T GIVE A FUCK HOW INSENSITIVE YOU ARE 40 

CG: 40 I JUST GOT PISSED OFF. WHY DO YOU CARE IF YOU HURT MY FEELINGS? NOT THAT YOU EVEN CAN 40 

CG: 40 IS IT BECAUSE WE ACTUALLY ARE FRIENDS IN THE FUTURE...? (40) 40 

EB: Yeah! I don’t want to actually belittle your problems 

EB: Just apologies to jade when you get the chance ok? 

EB: Are we still friends? Or I guess for you, can we be friends? 

EB: I’ll try to read up on ocd best I can. 

CG: 40 I GUESS WE CAN BE FRIENDS 40 

CG: 40 I DON’T KNOW WHY YOU’D WANT TO BE 40 

CG: 40 MAYBE YOU’RE A MASOCHIST 40 

CG: 40 MAYBE I HAVE A SOFT SPOT FOR IDIOTS 40 

CG: 40 BUT SURE. LET’S BE FRIENDS NOOKWIFF 40 

EB: yay! I do actually have to go but you’ll see me soon! Or past me. Lol. 

CG: 40 YEAH I WILL 40 

carcinoGeneticist [CG] stopped trolling  ectoBiologist [EB]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This took fucking hours to code


	3. Sollux

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to everyone who’s left kudos so far!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is set before the John chapter 
> 
> pananalyser is troll for therapist btw

carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling  twinArmageddons [TA]

CG: 40 SO IM BACK FROM THE PANANALYSER 40

CG: 40 WE MATCH NOW 40

CG: 40 FUCKING HOORAY 40 

TA: what do you mean ‘match’ kk? 

CG: 40 I GOT DIAGNOSED WITH ‘OBSESSIVE COMPULSIVE DISORDER’ 40

  
TA: 2hiit really?

  
TA: Welcome two the club, you’re never fucking leaviing 2o get comfortable.

  
CG: 40 HOW DO YOU DEAL WITH IT. THEY SAID THEY CAN’T GIVE ME MEDICATION UNTIL THEY KNOW MY BLOOD COLOUR AND I’LL BE FUCKING CULLED FOR THAT 40

  
CG: 40 AND NO, I CAN’T LIE ABOUT IT CAUSE THEY WANT A BLOOD TES 40

  
CG: 40 *TEST 40

  
CG: 40 I HAVEN’T EATEN IN DAYS 40

  
TA: been there, iit 2uck2

  
TA: Not the blood thiing but the eatiing thiing

  
TA: The med2 are a liife2aver kk, ii’m beiing liiteral

  
TA: Ii’l a2k for an iincrea2ed do2age and giive you a2 much a2 ii can 2pare

  
CG: 40 YOU’D ACTUALLY DO THAT FOR ME? 40

  
CG: 40 I DON’T HAVE A LOT OF MONEY, TA, YOU KNOW THIS 40

  
CG: 40 LOOK I’M DESPERATE HERE, DON’T PUT THE PRICE TOO HIGH 40

  
TA: god you’re 2o fuckiing 2ad

  
TA: Ii’m your friiend, diip2hiit!

  
TA: Iit’2 free you 2hiit-for-braiins

CG: 40 ARE YOU FUCKING BRAINDEAD? 40

  
CG: 40 WHY ON ALTERNIA WOULD YOU GIVE IT TO ME FOR FREE 40

  
CG: 40 I’M GOING TO SAY THIS PROBABLY ONCE IN OUR ENTIRE FRIENDSHIP 40

  
CG: 40 THANK YOU 40

  
CG: 40 AND CALL ME SAD AGAIN I’LL BLEND YOUR ACID TRACT INTO A FINE PASTE AND DRINK IT LIKE A SMOOTHIE, YOU INSUFFERABLE NOOKSTAIN 40

  
TA: oh my gog diid the almiighty Karkat ju2t 2ay ‘thank you’!?

  
TA: Ii’m fuckiing dead. Thii2 ii2 a dream

  
CG: 40 DO NOT MAKE ME REGRET EVERY SINGLE MOMENT LEADING UP TO OUR BOND, SOLLUX 40

  
CG: 40 I DON’T SAY THANK YOU A LOT, SAME WITH SORRY 40

  
CG: 40 THIS IS SUSPICIOUSLY KIND. LIKE I’M ACTUALLY CONFUSED 40

  
CG: 40 WHAT’S YOUR ULTERIOR MOTIVE HERE 40

  
TA: kk for fuck2 2ake do you want the med2 or not?

CG: 40 YES I WANT THE GODFORSAKEN MEDICATION, YOU BULDGELICKING FEMALE BARKBEAST 40

TA: fiinally. A coherent damn an2wer. Iit’2 been two long

CG: 40 WILL IT TAKE LONG FOR YOU TO GET THEM? 40

TA: Nah, probably liike a week top2

TA: Try not two do anythiing 2tupiid untiil then, ok?

CG: 40 YEAH YEAH, YOU’RE NOT MY GOGDAMN LUSUS 40

TA: do you want me two come over? platoniically

  
CG: 40 YEAH OK. WE CAN TALK MORE IN REAL LIFE ANYWAY 40

CG: 40 SEE YOU WHEN I SEE YOU 40

carcinoGeneticist [CG] stopped trolling  twinArmageddons [TA]

It didn’t take long for sollux to come into Karkat’s hive. A sudden nock at the front door was all he needed to confirm it was him. He waited patiently until he heard the second string of rhythmic knocks, one of the rituals Sollux did. Opening the door, he saw the lanky teen boy staring at him. He’d gotten a lot taller after his pupation, unlike Karkat. The two teens entered the hive with a nod to each other and crabdad skreed in delight at the company of someone new. “Here” sollux said, chucking Karkat a bag of food. “I’m not leaving till you eat at least one item, ok?” The request was simple. Karkat rolled his eyes. Of fucking corse TA had brought all of Karkat’s favorite foods. Of. fucking. corse.   
  


He stared down at the bag, rummaging around for something for almost forty seconds. “Kk, you’re counting.” Sollux said while placing a hand on his arm gently. Karkat froze briefly before glaring at the double-horned teenager. “I was almost done, fuckass! Why’d you mess it up?! Now I’ve gotta do it again.” He complained, exasperated. Sollux would have normally laughed, but he knew how much it hurt. He did, however, also know that this was the best way to help his best friend. 

“Suck it up.” Sollux replied harshly, lisp evident through his speaking. “I’m not here as a moirail, I’m here as a friend who knows how shitty this feels. I’m here to help whether you want it or not. Eating something or I’ll mess up your counting again.” He threatened. Kk grumble and pulled out a small grubloaf. He held it for a good forty seconds, before almost taking a bite when-

“Fuck, TA, I can’t do it.” Karkat replied. His voice was bitter and angry, with deep frustration and annoyance. Sollux rolled his eyes. “What if I eat it first? Like, I’ll take a bite so you know it’s not fucking poisoned or some shit ok?” He offered. Karkat merely shook his head and sighed. “Fuck, iv’e gotta do it myself man! It’s just...”

”just...?” Sollux prompted. Earning a growl from his grumpy friend. “Just that I can’t! This one doesn’t even have a reason it’s like my hand _can_ move, but shitting won’t!” Karkat was getting annoyed almost to the point of yelling now. Sollux resisted the urge to make a pale advancement. Not only would that complicate things for him and Gamzee, as well as sollux and feferi, it would also absolutely be taking advantage of his friend in an incredibly vulnerable state. Something sollux would never do in one million sweeps.

Instead he pulled Kk in for a hug. “You can do this, you dumb fuck. Calm your tits. It’s gonna, and I mean this strictly platonically, be ok.” Sollux said, fumbling for words slightly. Pulling away, he hoped Karkat wouldn’t take it the wrong way, and to his luck, Karkat smiled back at the duel-horned troll and nodded. A determined, fierce smile that he made whenever he felt equal parts safe and empowered. It was rare to see Karkat smile at all, but seeing him smile this genuinely was incredibly rare, and something he reserved only for his oldest friends or potential quadrantmates.   
  


And damn if it didn’t make TA feel a little flushed for him.

Sucking it up, Karkat closed his eyes and took a small bite out of the grubloaf. It was only just bigger than a nibble, but still enough to actually give him some food. Opening his eyes hurriedly, he stared down at the loaf and took three more bites to make up it four. Now, however, wasn’t the time to reprimand him for counting, now was the time to celebrate what he’d managed to do. 

“FUCK YEAH KK!” Sollux exclaimed louder than he initially wanted to. Karkat high-fived the 3D-glasses wearing teen, and took a teen breath in relief. “Thanks dude.”

On the outside, you may not notice why this is such a big deal. Sollux, however, was _not_ an outsider to the horrors of this disorder. He knew how not only physically disturbing, but mentally draining it could be and usually is. Karkat had broken one of his more minor rituals with some help, but mostly by himself with no medication involved and only a few months of therapy.   
  


It was, in fact, pretty cool.

sollux sat down with his friend and shared some of the food he’d brought over with him. Two mentally ill, defective freaks that would be culled either of their blood or powers, brought together by sharing food.

Sometimes, life didn’t hate Karkat so much. Sometimes, it gave him small victories, like these.


	4. Vriska

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Set after the John chapter, in Karkat’s timeline

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Vriska why are you such a bitch?

Today was just the fucking worst for Karkat. Scratch that, this sweep was the fucking worst for Karkat. But especially today. And can you guess who the reason for that is?

Well neither can Karkat. Someone has messed up his keyboard. Completely. Like we’re talk super fucked up and it’s practically ruined his day 

Someone stole the number four and the number zero from Karkat’s keyboard. And he was _pissed._

Gamzee was trying to calm him down, and it was kind of working, but he knew he had to keep it together. Gam had tried to pull off the number from his keyboard, but they messed up the colour to the point it looked so strange. How the fuck was he supposed to make a memo like this!?

“I swear to fuck, I will grubfucking murder the motherfucker who thought this was a good shitting idea.” Karkat swore to himself. This was going to be harder than he expected. His sponge was telling him two different things. One was that if he typed without the forties, he’d go blind, the other was that if he typed with them in any other colour, he’d go deaf. Unless he made an effort to put forty forties at the beginning and end of every text.   
He’d fucking look like a deranged idiot. Only sollux and possibly Gamzee would understand.   
  


However, cracking his knuckles and staring down at the keyboard, he began to feel a knot in his stomach. He felt like he was going to be sick. He was, he was sure of it! If he didn’t find those fucking numbers in his colour he’d throw up blood, and then equius, Eriden or Vriska or Feferi would see, and he’d be culled by one of them...

fuck.

He didn’t have much time, maybe an hour till he was supposed to start the memo. Ever since alternia got destroyed, sollux’s medication got really hard to alchematize. Although they were both in desperate need of it, they decided they’d alternate between weeks. It was sollux’s week this week. So Karkat hadn’t even been able to take his medication. And it fucking sucked. Suddenly, he heard a ding on his computer.

arachnidsGrip [AG]  began trolling  carcinoGeneticist [CG]

AG: heeeeeyyyy :::;) 

Ugh. What did spider bitch want? She was literally three meters away from him!

AG: so you’re pro8a8ly wondering “where the hell are my keys?” 

AG: I figure you won’t respond due to that weird o8sesion with the num8er forty you have 

AG: And yes, I did steal them :::;D 

He should have guessed. Fucking bitch. Next time he’ll take her eight key and see how she’s likes it!

AG: if you want them 8ack, I want a favor! 

AG: I know how much you like Terezi in the flushed way. Wouldn’t it 8e a shame if she found out and didn’t feel the same way? Wouldn’t it ruin your friendship? 

AG: I’m only going to 8e nice and ask you once 8efore I make you do this. 

AG: Tell her you’re not flushed for her. 8ecause she’s ugly or weird or something I don’t know. 

AG: we’ve got a good thing going and I don’t want you ruining it. 

AG: I haven’t looked around your mind in a minute, type 8ack if you’ll do it :::;) 

AG: I’m w8ting 

AG: Fuck you I guess. 

Suddenly, a loud screaming sound echoed in the teenage boy’s head. Karkat clamped both his hands over his ears. ‘Get out of my head you psycho bitch!’ He yelled inside his head. 

Suddenly he could hear everything amplified. All his inner thoughts I mean. The number forty repeating so loudly. Self hating and deprecating thoughts, his pale confusion for Gamzee and sollux, his flushed feelings for Terezi. All of it, and I mean all of it, was on display for Vriska to see. 

Karkat had had enough of this, and typed back.

CG: (FORTY (FORTY?)) FUCKING STOP (FORTY (FORTY?)) 

carcinoGeneticist [CG] deleted a message! 

CG: (FORTY (FORTY?)) I’LL TELL HER YOU DERANGED LUNATIC. (FORTY (FORTY?)) 

carcinoGeneticist [CG] deleted a message!

CG: (FORTY (FORTY?)) WE’RE SUPPOSED TO BE ON RELATIVELY THE SAME TEAM HERE, THIS IS ALMOST SELF SABOTAGE YOU CRAZY BULGSNIFFING BITCH (FORTY (FORTY?)) 

carcinoGeneticist [CG] deleted a message! 

CG: (FORTY (FORTY?)) IT’S ACTUALLY STARTING TO HURT NOW (FORTY (FORTY?)) 

carcinoGeneticist [CG] deleted a message! 

CG: (FORTY (FORTY?)) FOR GOG’S SAKE I SAID I’D DO IT! STOP (FORTY (FORTY?)) 

carcinoGeneticist [CG] deleted a message! 

AG: Wow! Ho-ly fuck you’re a mess 

AG: I didn’t quite know our esteemed leader was so mentally deranged! 

AG: Calling me a 8itch isn’t too nice now is it? :::;) 

CG: (FORTY (FORTY?)) FUCK YOU (FORTY (FORTY?)) 

carcinoGeneticist [CG] deleted a message 

AG: Your mind is more fucked than the clown junkie and 3-D freak com8ined! 

AG: So many things to o8sess over, hardly fit to 8e a leader now, hmmm? 

carcinoGeneticist [CG] blocked  arachnidsGrip [AG] 

carcinoGeneticist [CG] unblocked  arachnidsGrip [AG] 

AG: oh? 8ack so soon? 

AG: You don’t have to tell her this out of the 8lue of course. Do it if she makes a move I mean. 

AG: 8ut it would 8e a shame if the others knew a8out your little ‘pro8lem’ don’t you think? 

AG: I’m not even sure what’s wrong with you, 8ut my my, starving yourself for forty hours constantly? You need help, professional help 

AG: And don’t worry, your secret’s safe with me! As long as you promise to deny Terezi’s flushed advances! 

AG: Otherwise, you can kiss that leadership position good8ye! 

AG: I’ll give you 8ack your keys too when you aren’t looking. It’s only fair. 

AG: Thanks so much you control freak, I’ll 8e sure to mess with your rituals in the future! :::;) 

AG: L8ter! 

arachnidsGrip [AG]  stopped trolling  carcinoGeneticist [CG]

carcinoGeneticist [CG] blocked  arachnidsGrip [AG] 

He really, really didn’t want to have to do this today. Or any fucking day.

Thanks, spider bitch. Really made his damn week

Sighing to himself, Karkat massaged his temples. He really did like Terezi. He didn’t care if she didn’t like him. But now he had no fucking chance!

He wanted to get Vriska back. Only a matter of time for him to think of a way to do it...

And he thinks he know who can help with that...


	5. You are not my therapist.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Trying to get Vriska back, Karkat needed all the help he could get. Apart from Terezi of course.
> 
> Rose seemed like a good option until she goes a little too far with the psycho analysis.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was very close to tears while writing this.
> 
> Also! Now there’s a playlist! It’s from the perspective of of Karkat talking to himself 
> 
> https://open.spotify.com/playlist/2o0BFHK4bQ28QpECeLcrml?si=BnyzsJtSSN6m395jATYrTA

It had been two weeks since spider bitch had fucked with Karkat, and since then he’d stole her ‘8’ key, purposely tried to set up Terezi with literally anyone else apart from himself, and gotten sollux to send a virus to her computer. The worst (or should I say best) part is she couldn’t prove it was him. The virus thing sollux managed to play off as a mistake. The ‘8’ key would only disappear sometimes, and Terezi was a fucking person and could do what she wanted. If she wanted to be with psycho bitch, she could be! Karkat was fine other than being worried Terezi would get hurt (not that he’d ever admit to that), but it seemed like the rain of revenge had stopped between the two, and Vriska was kind and mischievous with her, even letting her flirt with whoever she wanted. Which weirdly tended to be Feferi or Dave. Dave kind of made sense, but the flushed Feferi thing was a surprise.  
  


All in all, Vriska would still take ample opportunity to fuck with Karkat. Every time he would speak in a memo board, she’d subtly imply that he was tired, obsessive or down right unfit to be the leader. Rather than get him back in small ways like he was doing to her that accumulated over time to be really annoying, she took every opportunity to publicly humiliate him. Constantly making him block himself from the memo board and mocking everything he typed. To the point the others were starting to question his obsession with the number forty.   
  


For Christ’s sake, everyone had a typing quirk! Why did people question his way of typing so much? Was it because he never used to type this way before his sixth sweep? So what! Terezi went blind and changed hers! He just got a mental illness that changed his. Not that anyone knew about that apart from Gamzee, sollux and, although she didn’t know what disorder it was, Vriska.   
  
  


Shit, she’d threatened to film him if she saw him ‘freak out’ over something relating to his OCD. Something he really didn’t want to test.

So why doesn’t he try something really petty?   
  


He needed some way to shut her up, just for a little while. Something to make her back down and stop pulling the team apart. He smirked to himself. If she was going to sew the seeds of doubt against him and not expect similar retaliation, she was sorely mistaken!

And he knew just the person to help him do the job.   
  


The human Rose Lalonde.   
  


Wickedly intelligence, snarky and extremely nosy, he’d ask her to just pick holes in Vriska’s logic the next time she had an idea (unless it was an emergency situation of course) while Karkat backed her up with insults. It was perfect, and just what she deserved. They’d only do it a few times before stopping, hopefully getting Vriska to stop mocking his typing and going out of her way to mess with his rituals, and then they could all return to normal. Well, as normal as can be stuck on a meteor conversing with an alien species called ‘humans’ While dealing with severe mental illness.

carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling  tentacleTherapist [TT]

CG: 40 MISS LALONDE 40 

TT: mr. Vantas 

TT: I must request you use my first name, we are acquaintances, are we not? Perhaps even friends? 

CG: 40 OK. ROSE. 40 

CG: 40 YOU ARE MORE INTELLIGENT THAN MOST OF YOUR INFERIOR SPECIES 40 

TT: ouch. Why do you wound me so? 

TT: I’m truly hurt by your generalisation of our species. It offends me greatly in ways I cannot begin to comprehend the gravity of. 

CG: 40 YOUR INCESSANT NEED FOR SARCASM TRULY PISSES ME OFF 40 

CG: 40 ANYWAY 40 

CG: 40 I KNOW HOW YOU LOVE PSYCHO ANALYSIS 40 

CG: 40 IT’S HONESTLY REALLY FUCKING CREEPY... (40) 40 

TT: disregarding the insult, I’m sensing a “but” here? 

CG: 40 BUT 40 

CG: 40 I WOULD LIKE TO ASK YOU SOMETHING 40 

TT: ask away, my alien friend 

CG: 40 WOULD YOU LIKE TO FORM A TEMPORARY ALLIANCE AGAINST AG? 40 

TT: Miss Serket? I know you and your friends refer to her, less than affectionately, as ‘huge bitch’. 

TT: Has she done something to warrant vengeance of some sort? 

CG: 40 COME ON ROSE, EVEN TEREZI CAN TELL WHAT SHE’S BEEN DOING. AND SHE’S BLIND. 40 

CG: 40 THE PUBLIC MEMO BOARDS? 40 

TT: oh the memos? I do admit she seems to have some sort of grudge against you. 

TT: I know how angry you get and how you tend to rub others the wrong way, so I thought it was at first perhaps a game among friends. 

TT: Then I read through the messages again one night, out of boredom. 

TT: and even if it was all in good fun, she does seem to have a steadfast goal of public humiliation and at times, out right bullying on your end.

CG: 40 I DON’T CARE ABOUT THAT. WHAT I CARE ABOUT IS THE FACT THAT WE AGREED I WAS THE LEADER. 40 

CG: 40 SO HER DOING THIS, UNDERMINING AUTHORITY IN THIS WAY PUBLICLY, IS JUST GETTING PEOPLE TO SLOW DOWN AND STOP BEING USEFUL. 40 

CG: 40 SHE ALSO HAS STOLEN MY NUMBER KEYS, AND MIND CONTROLLED ME TO STAY AWAY FROM TEREZI 40 

CG: 40 WHICH, IN HUMAN CULTURE I BELIEVE IS CONSIDERED TO BE A ‘DICK MOVE’. 40 

TT: Yes, I do believe you are correct in calling it that. 

CG: 40 SO WHAT DO YOU SAY? 40 

TT: Sure. Do you have a plan in mind? I don’t want to cause her physical harm. In fact, I’m not even sure I could. Unless I got immensely lucky. 

CG: 40 I DO ACTUALLY. 40 

CG: 40 AND IM NOT DERANGED. I WOULDN’T HURT ANYONE UNLESS THEY DESERVED IT. 40 

CG: 40 UNLIKE VRISKA 40 

CG: 40 I WANT YOU TO PICK APART ANY THING SHE SAYS. I’LL BACK YOU UP WITH INSULTS 40 

CG: 40 THE BITCH IS GOING TO FIGURE OUT PRETTY QUICKLY WHAT’S GOING ON. SHE’S SMART AS WELL AS A TOTAL FUCKASS 40 

CG: 40 DON’T GO LIKE, CAUSING HER TO HAVE A MENTAL BREAK DOWN 40 

CG: 40 BUT JUST HELP ME SEND HER THE MESSAGE TO STOP HER FUCKING WITH ME. THEN THE ALLIANCE WILL BE DONE AND HOPEFULLY SHE’LL BE LESS OF A BITCH TO ME AND SOLLUX. 40 

CG: 40 MAKE HER DOUBT HER OWN LOGIC, LIKE SHE DOES TO ME 40 

CG: 40 SHE’S DUE SOMETHING LIKE THAT. 40 

CG: 40 DEALING WITH HER OWN BULLSHIT FROM SOMEONE ELSE, I MEAN. 40 

TT: So you want to give her a taste of her own medicine? 

CG: 40 THAT’S WHAT HUMANS CALL IT? WEIRD. 40

TT: Terezi told me she blinded her. 

CG: 40 OH YEAH. THAT WAS BACK IN THEIR BACKSTABBING CYCLE. BACK WHEN THEY WERE THE ‘SCOURGE SISTERS’. 40 

CG: 40 SHE ALSO DIRECTLY CAUSED TAVROS’S PARALYSIS. LIKE SHE FUCKING MADE HIM FALL OFF A CLIFF WITH HER MIND. 40 

CG: 40 LIKE WHAT THE FUCK. 40 

TT: It seems this is long overdue. If it doesn’t work, then we’ll try something more direct. But we’ll give her a chance before confronting her. 

TT: Is there anything else I should know about before meddling with her next time she says something or makes you block yourself? 

CG: NO NOT REALLY. 

carcinoGeneticist [CG] deleted a message! 

CG: 40 NO NOT REALLY. 40 

TT: ? 

CG: 40 WHAT? 40

TT: Why did you delete that message only to send the same one again? 

CG: 40 IT WAS AN ACCIDENT. YOU NEVER ACCIDENTALLY DONE SOMETHING BEFORE? JEGUS, SORRY MISS PERFECT. 40 

TT: You’re getting pretty defensive over this. 

TT: Oh, it was because you sent it without your typing quirk wasn’t it? 

CG: 40 GUESS YOU CAUGHT ME RED HANDED. IT WAS AN EMBARRASSING REASON. 40 

CG: 40 THAT’S WHY I GOT SO DEFENSIVE. 40 

TT: But I’ve seen others mess up with their quirks and not delete it before. 

TT: May I ask why you do everything based so heavily around the number forty?

TT: It must be a tedious and tiresome process, typing like that all the time. I couldn’t imagine myself doing that. 

CG: 40 I DO NOT BASE THINGS AROUND SOME STUPID NUMBER, ROSE. 40

CG: 40 IT’S JUST A TYPING QUIRK. I LIKE PATTERNS. SUE ME. 40 

TT: I have several notes made about you. 

CG: 40 WHAT THE FUCK 40 

TT: I mean that I have several notes made about everyone. Including myself. That includes you and Vriska. 

CG: 40 WHAT’S YOUR POINT HERE? 40 

CG: 40 THAT YOU’RE INSANE? 40 

CG: 40 WELL DONE, POINT MADE. 40 

TT: My point is that I do it to keep track of my friend’s wellbeing 

TT: And from what I’ve seen, almost everything you do revolves around the number forty or eighty 

TT: You own forty posters, count to forty when you’re stressed, type with forties on the beginning and end of every message. Hell, you DELETE messages if you mess up. You do not ever send more than eighty messages in a memo board. 

TT: I’ve even noticed your eating habits. 

CG: 40 TT. STOP. I GET IT. 40 

TT: John never eats lunch, Dave only snacks and occasionally eats meals

CG: 40 WHY DO YOU KNOW THIS? 40

TT: You always skip about two days of eating. 

CG: 40 TT YOU’RE DOING THE THING THAT VRISKA DOES ONLY MORE CREEPY. 40

TT: I apologize. But I must say I am concerned for your health.

TT: Karkat have you ever heard of OCD or obsessive compulsive disorder?

CG: 40 WE ARE NOT DOING THIS. WHY IS IT *ME* YOU’RE PSYCHO ANALYSING? 40 

CG: 40 SAVE THE THERAPIST BULLSHIT FOR VRISKA OK? I DON’T APPRECIATE KNOWING MY FRIEND KEEPS TABS ON ALL OF US AND DISGUISES IT AS ‘CONCERN’ 40 

TT: Disguises? Oh dear, I’m afraid I may have given you the wrong impression.

TT: This is all born from genuine care and a want for you, as well as everyone else, to be alright.

TT: I highly, highly suspect you have OCD. You may want to discuss this with sollux as I expect he may have the disorder as well.

CG: 40 WHAT DOES IT MATTER IF I’M MENTALLY ILL OR NOT?! 40 

TT: I have seen what ocd can do. My mother had it with her drinking. 

TT: if you do not do anything you’ll more than likely end up hurting those around you. 

CG: 40 WHAT DO YOU MEAN? 40 

TT: I mean you’re going to end up messing things up if you continue this way. Do you want to do that? Because you will. Trust me. Someone with ocd struggles immensely with day to day tasks. 

TT: you’ll only hurt people if you keep obeying these thoughts Karkat. 

TT: have you ever considered that this is born out of guilt for something you’ve done? Think back, how many times have you wronged others? It’s a lot isn’t it? Think of all the people you’ve hurt because you’ve refused to get help. Think of all the horrible things you’ve done to deserve this. Trust me, there’s a lot. Think back to how you hurt everyone and pushed them away. Of how you hurt me? Do you even think about others? Do you!? NO! 

TT: You fucking don’t do you mother?!

tentacleTherapist [TT]

deleted a message! 

tentacleTherapist [TT]

deleted a message! 

tentacleTherapist [TT]

deleted a message! 

CG: 40 HOLY SHIT. 40 

TT: Karkat. Oh my god. 

TT: I’m so sorry. I was projecting. 

TT: No. you absolutely have not done anything to deserve this. How could I have said that!? 

TT: I feel awful 

TT: Karkat. 

TT: Please answer. I want to make it up to you. 

CG: 40 FUCK DID I FUCK UP THAT BAD!? I *KNOW* I HAVE OCD. I TAKE MEDICATION! 40 

CG: 40 I’M SORRY 40 

CG: 40 I’M SORRY I’M SORRY I’M SORRY I’M SORRY I’M SORRY I’M SORRY I’M SORRY I’M SORRY I’M SORRY I’M SORRY I’M SORRY I’M SORRY I’M SORRY I’M SORRY I’M SORRY I’M SORRY I’M SORRY I’M SORRY I’M SORRY I’M SORRY I’M SORRY I’M SORRY I’M SORRY I’M SORRY I’M SORRY I’M SORRY I’M SORRY I’M SORRY I’M SORRY I’M SORRY I’M SORRY I’M SORRY I’M SORRY I’M SORRY I’M SORRY I’M SORRY I’M SORRY I’M SORRY I’M SORRY I’M SORRY 40 

TT: Karkat... 

TT: please stop. 

CG: 40 FUCK VRISKA. THE ALLIANCE IS OFF. 40 

CG: 40 I’M GOING TO FUCK IT UP. JUST FUCK OFF ROSE! 40 

CG: 40 DON’T MESSAGE ME AGAIN. 40 

TT: Karkat I didn’t mean too! Please let me explain!

TT: Karkat! You don’t need to be sorry. It’s my fault I lashed out!

TT: Please!

carcinoGeneticist [CG] Blocked  tentacleTherapist [TT] 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The “I’m sorry” part is based off of a real freak out I had when I couldn’t stop apologizing. It was born out of constant self hatred. The “I’m sorry” is a therapeutic way some people with ocd repent for failed rituals or for causing others around them stress with the disorder. In that mindset, it’s very hard to calm down. Karkat repeated the ‘I’m sorry’ monologue forty times. Another way to make up for his failed rituals.


	6. Welcome to the dark carnival

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Rose drama will have to wait. We’re launching about 1000 hours into the future give or take! 
> 
> Gamzee gets out of the fridge, and has a surprise for Karkat.
> 
> It’s not pretty.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Massive trigger warning for attempted murder, violence, cults and referenced self harm.

Karkat walked, hands in pockets to the kitchen, his hair messy from falling asleep with Dave on the couch. He’d finally convinced him to watch mean girls. A win in his book for the ages.

And yet, something felt off about today. A heavy feeling in Karkat’s blood pusher caused the short, underweight teen to go on a walk. He hoped it would ease his nerves. The number kept changing from eighty to forty. And he wasn’t sure what he was most comfortable with. Doing two lots of forty for everything seemed a happy mid ground for his mental distress, so he stuck with that. The only good thing about Sollux not being around anymore was the fact he could medicate every week now. He felt guilty for even viewing the slightest upside to the situation. Even if the bad far outweighed the good. Which it most certainly did.

That was it! He’d forgotten his meds!   
  


Jogging into the kitchen to get them, he stopped. Immediately confused by the fact the lights were out. It was bizarre as hell, so he suspected a power outage of some kind must have done it. His suspicions were confirmed upon realizing the light outright wouldn’t switch on.   
  


Fumbling blindly into the cupboards for his medication, his hand landed on something rubbery. He grabbed onto the foreign object, squeezing it before, to his utmost horror, it _honked._

They’d gotten rid of every horn on the ship for a fucking reason, gogdamn it!

He pulled out the horn, swallowing a little in an effort to calm down. He laughed to himself in relief.   
  


“Fucking clown bullshit, Gam would be proud I’m “fearing the horn” or whatever the fuck he used to say.” He mused to himself. Setting down the item, he rummaged around for his pills until he felt his hand land on a tinfoil pack. “Gotcha, you little shits.” He smirked and grabbed the pack of pills. Filling up a glass of water, he popped the two sertraline pills into his mouth and swallowed them down with cold water.

Satisfied his nerves would calm down after ten or so minutes, he poured the rest of the water down the sink before existing.   
  


“ **Where you going, bro?** ”

Karkat froze. He _knew_ that voice. That voice...

That was **Gamzee**.

He didn’t turn around. He had to be dreaming. Yeah! That was it! He was dreaming. ‘ _Wake the fuck up karkat, that freak is in the fridge. You know this. You’re imagining things. You’re safe’_ He thought to himself, in attempt to calm down. It wasn’t working very well. 

He shut his ocular orbs tight and took a slow, deep breath. “One, forty, two, forty, three, forty, four, forty” he whispered. It began to slowly calm his hysterical nerves. That was, until he got to five.

“ **We playing a counting game? Shit what are we motherfuckin’ counting too?“**

The voice asked innocently. How dare it. _How_ _dare his voice even be able to sound innocent anymore!?_  
  


Karkat’s breath hitched in his throat as he felt a hand on his shoulder. “ **Long time no see, moirail. Hehehe”**

NO.

FUCKING NO. NONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONO!

The hand spun him around. It was him. To Karkat’s absolute horror, what stood before him was his ex moirail, Clown cult freak, long time friend, psycho-murder clown **Gamzee Makara.**

He did not fucking need this in his life.  
  


”H-hey, Gam!” Karkat stammered nervously. “You doing ok? Shit, it’s um,” he swallowed. “It really has been a minute, ha bud?!” Realizing he was yelling, Karkat took a deep breath.

“You motherfucker’s put me in the fridge. Not cool bro, if you’ll excuse the pun.” Gamzee’s eyes glowed a murderous red, deeply contrasting his relaxed and lazy expression. Karkat sighed. Maybe honesty would work? The old Gamzee had to be in there somewhere, right?

“Dude, you fucking killed people! How did you expect us to feel safe!” Karkat exclaimed. Uh oh. That didn’t get the reaction he thought it would. Shit. BackpedalBackpedalBackpedal-!  
”but umm, that’s ok! We know you were just trying to help us or something!” Karkat found himself backing up, one eye kept on his strife deck. That is, if he could even get to it in time.

”I’ve come with a motherfuckin’ proposal, Karbro. I know how your ocd is like, all about the number forty...” 

Karkat did not like where this was going.

”So I figured...” he grinned wildly, his false calm demeanor now completely gone. Leaving only behind someone who would rip you apart the first chance he got. Which, he absolutely wanted to do.  
  


“what did you figure gam?” Karat smiled, attempting to calm his nerves. His hand was slowly reaching for his sickle.

“I’d give you a motherfuckin’ game. Forty forty. If you reach base, I’ll head back in the fridge. If not-” 

Gamzee’s knuckles retched with a sickening crack that made the short teen cringe, despite him regularly cracking his own 

“ **I’ll show you the dark carnival in _hell_** ”

And, if this was some weird messed up FanFiction, it might have gone something similar to that. But ‘ _fuck that_.’ Karkat thought. And raised his sickle in attack.

But Gamzee was expecting this, and retaliated with a swift punch to Karkat’s left cheek, sending him sprawling across the ground. Scurrying backwards, he once again stood up, his hand extremely well trained and his moves precise. He no longer felt held back by someone who was once his moirail. No no no. He was going in for the _kill._ Dodging the 7”2 teenager’s attempt to grab him, he flipped his sickle over and sliced deeply into the taller troll’s finger. Indigo blood spurted and dripped down as the long-horned boy took half a step back, cradling the injury. Without wasting a second for Gamzee to attack him back, the mutant-blood swiped at his legs, cutting his knees and causing the clown to fall on his backside. Involuntarily, Karkat let out a deep, clicking noise from the back of his throat. Something that, for a troll, meant “ _I’ll fucking kill you”._ He stabbed down, but Gamzee was quick and swift enough to move out of danger. Retaliating with a slightly deeper growl of his own, for much longer, Gam used his strength and increased height to grab Karkat by his hair and slam him onto the ground. Again. And again. And again. ”AAAH!” He screamed as the clown threw his head onto the ground to the point of blood. The candy red color seeping out through both Karkat’s nose and threw a newly-made wound on the side of his skull.

”I won’t-“ BANG “l-let you-“ BANG “D-DO THIS YOU PEICE OF SHIT!” BANG. He yelled, now struggling to remain conscious. His foot connected with the high-blood’s chin and caused Gam to briefly stop and turn away. “Motherfucker...” he muttered under his breath. It was here and now that he’d do it. His sickle pierced through the thick light grey skin of his former friend’s arm and with a pull yanked it off of him, causing a Yelp from his attacker. However, just as Karkat stood up slowly, gripping the injured side of his head, Gam lunged at him, pinning him against the wall. His hand clamping over karkat’s mouth, he chuckled and cruelly dragged his longest claw down and down across the small troll’s face. Karat had to bite his tongue to stop from screaming and it pierced deeply through his skin.   
  


“Bro. Your blood is a motherfuckin’ miracle.” Gamzee...complimented?

“But look at what you’ve done to your arms karbro...” he giggled. Slowly lifting up his long sleeved shirt to reveal twenty concise cuts on each arm. Gam sniffed Karkat’s hair before letting him drop harshly onto the floor.  
  
Karkat had had enough of this shit.

As Gamzee stared down at the teen, Karkat spat out his own blood, smirking slightly. “Well, that all you got?” 

Gamzee did not like that. 

but as he charged, Karkat stepped out of the way, taking the opportunity to watch Gam turn around for another attempt to hurt Karkat.

And with that, he lunged his sickle deep into Gam’s chest, causing the indigo-blood to choke. 

“See you in hell, big guy.” Karkat growled, his involuntary clicking noise once again returning. He pulled the sickle up as far as he could make it go, then pulled it out and watched the deep blueish purple spray everywhere. Coating the walls, the floor and most of Karkat’s face. The attacker dropped onto his knees, before reaching his hand out one final time.   
  


And then...

Gamzee Makara was dead.   
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter will be equius, THEN the Rose and Vriska conclusion. Patience :::;)


	7. I still platonically hate you, but I’ll try to cut down on the glaring as a thank you.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nepeta notices Karkittie’s ocd has been acting up purretty badly lately. He’d been making a small effurt to be nicer to her, so she thought she’d talk to her meowrail to see if he could make a machine to help him in any way. Equius is not on board with this, and has a falling out with nepeta.
> 
> I guess Karkat ended up auspitising a little.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is set directly after Rose’s chapter.

The two trolls, Nepeta and Karkat, sat in the Kitchen. Somehow they’d gotten onto the topic of Karkat’s ocd. He was being difficult about it.

“Please, Karkitty, let me see what I can do to help you!” Nepeta begged. Karkat rolled his eyes. “Fine! Jegus whatever! But I’m fine, Nepeta. Ok? And thanks.” The cat girl stopped dead in her tracks. ‘ _Karkitty really doesn’t like saying thank you. So he must really appurreciate it!_ ’ she thought to herself, purring happily. “Do you have to purr?” He asked annoyedly. She rolled her eyes. “Do _you_ have to count to forty?” Uh oh. Was that too mean? Nepeta was confused when she saw Karkat smirk. “Guess I deserved that, huh?” He laughed a little. But it wasn’t bitter. It was comical. She nodded and he flipped her off while smiling. She playfully hissed back. “Why do you even want to help me Nepeta?” He questioned. “I’m like _the_ biggest asshole. I got a lot of reasons to be one, but still.” The girl frowned. “I don’t think you’re an A-hole Karkitty.” She said earnestly. He cocked an eyebrow. “You’re fucking shitting me here, right? Wow Nepeta, and here I thought you were too dumb to understand sarcasm.” She punched him hard. “Ow! I was kidding!” She laughed. “I know, and yeah maybe you are an ass sometimes. But like you said, you’ve got furry good reasons, you know? And besides, you’re a lot nicer than you used to be. So change and all that bullshit I guess, nya~?” Karkat smiled.

It was time to find her muscular horse meowrail! He might be able to figure out an invention! She doubted it, but it was worth a shot considering it was now impossible for him to take his medication each week.   
  


Arriving at Equius’ respiteblock, she knocked on the door until the sweaty blueblood stepped out. “Ah, Nepeta, how lovely to see you on this evening. Are you stopping to simply say hello or because you require my... _delicate..._ expertise with machinery? Or perhaps, there is a (excuse my colloquialism) “feelings jam” in need?” He greeted her. “No silly! I’m here on behalf of a furrend!” She purred and went inside. “A friend you say? Pray tell, what is it that they require?” Nepeta thought for a moment. Before saying “now he didn’t ask me to do this! Actually he kind of only told me I could help him to shut me up...” she clarified. “But! But but but but buuuuut! I know he’s really struggling with purrety heavy kittylitter. So I was wondering if you could make a machine to...help people with ocd?” She crossed her fingers tightly that it was a yes. She truly pitied Equius, and loved him very much. But he was a real stickler for the caste system. Ever since Karkat had confided in a memo his blood status in order to establish a bond as a leader (which actually worked really well), he’d outed himself as a mutant. Lower than low. Red blooded. Equius flipped his shit at him, sending him threats to the point he was permanently banned. Karkitty didn’t care about the threats, but Nepeta did. Equius was being a real pain, he was the only one who Nepeta had to constantly convince to take up the leader’s decisions.   
  


Not to mention the caste-based insults thrown his way whenever he go the chance.

”What are you doing, still socializing with _that._ I know _its_ our leader. But _it_ has to deal with problems and such by itself!” Nepeta growled. How _dare_ he refurr to Karkitty as an ‘it’!? “You could have just said no! Gog, you’re such a fucking elitist!” She yelled. Equius rolled his eyes behind his shades. “I am only doing what I believe to be the be the best corse of action, moirail. You know this! I demand you stop talking to him at once!”  
  


”No!”   
“Yes!”  
”No!” 

“Yes!”

”No!”   
“Yes!”

”No!”   
“Yes!”  
”No!”  
“Yes!”

”.....no.”

”FINE!” Equius gave in. “You can keep talking to him. But I refuse to help in any way!” She scowled at him. “Jegus, you could have just said that like fur-ever ago!” She complained before storming out of the room. “Wait, Nepeta I didn’t mean to hurt your-“ she cut him off. “Save it!” She declared before slamming the door.

Karkat was now in his respiteblock, and in all honesty, he was still upset with Rose and all the things she said. He knew that she was projecting her trauma or some bullshit like that, but how the fuck was _he_ responsible for that?! He had a similar condition, but it wasn’t like he was going to fucking abuse anyone!

The guilt thing had set him down a path. “ _She could be right.”_ He thought. “ _This is fucking my own gogdamn fault. If I’d have been less of a jerk, less loud, fuck if I’d have just said something nice about someone then I wouldn’t be here. Yeah, what a great leader, wallowing in self pity because some alien bullied you on the internet. Where’s this guys award? Oh right! There is no award because I fucking suck bulge and-“_

 _“_ Karkat?” Called out a voice, and it was a voice he rarely heard address _him_. This was the voice of Equius Zahhak. Resident duchecanoe, somehow simultaneous hemophobe AND hemofetishist, and sweaty highblooded perv. “Um, yeah?” Vantas called out, feeling bewildered at the great Equius would dare stoop so low as to address a lowly “mutant freak” who was a “mentally deficient perfectionist”. Karkat simply _grinned_ through the pain of having to interact with this wannabe troll Dwayne ‘the rock’ Johnson for more than negative thirty second. 

“I’ve come to see if you had seen Leijon. She hasn’t been in a very good mood since I denied her request to help you with your overblown minor perfectionist problem.” Karkat bit the inside of his cheek. “Could of left that part out, you know? You sweaty parasitic zoophile.” Equius didn’t respond. “What if I’ve really hurt her feelings? Fiddlesticks I simply don’t know what to do.” He slumped onto the ground. Karkat awkwardly stared at him. “I don’t think I could forgive myself if I permanently insulted her pride...” awkwardly feeling a spike of platonic pity, Karkat took a seat next to the muscular blueblood. “Well, the fuck did you say to her then?” Then teen sighed. “I tried to forbid her from talking to you. I soon realised that was unfair and controlling, but she wouldn’t let me apologise. Not that I blame her.” Karkat briefly considered patting him on the shoulder in platonic comfort, but immediately decides against it, as he would like to refrain from a broken wrist if at all possible.

“Well, ignoring the fact that you are the epitome of highblood elitism and tried to prevent Nepeta from talking to me because of your fucked up ideologies, I actually don’t think you need to worry here.” he looks at Karkat, and holy shit this might be the first time he’s genuinely listened to him. “Really? How so?” He prompts. Karkat makes an elaborate gesture with his hands and continues. ”She knows you care about her, man. And yeah, I’m an asshole. Alert the news because clearly that is a revaluation as profound as “water makes things wet”, but I can understand you not wanting her to hang around me. Not that you even care but that shit doesn’t and will never offend me. Especially coming from a prick like you.” Equius gives the shorter boy a dangerous scowl. “Watch your mouth, mutant.”

Throwing his hands up in defeat and surrender, he laughs. “Sorry, your highness.” And...Equius laughs. _He fucking laughs._ Karkat had never seen that fucker let out so much as a nose exhale before. And here he was! Chuckling! Like a normal person! And at something Karkat said no less!

That’s it, Karkat had seen everything. He could die a happy man because holy shit, he just successfully auspitised for Equius motherfucking Zahhak. 

“I am going to regret saying this, but thank you, Karkat. I feel elevated thanks to your auspitising. Maybe you are fit to lead. You certainly make Nepeta happy. So I will cease my meddling.” Equius admitted. Son of a female barkbeast had the ability to convey basic kindness afterall. Who’d have guessed as apposed to Nepeta of course. “Shit, dude. You’re welcome. One thing though, Ocd is more than minor alright? Fucking I can’t eat for days sometimes because of these irrational fears. So maybe don’t be an ass to me about that ok?”

And he nodded. Was this a fever dream or was Equius being civil with Karkat fucking Vantas? Jegus the universe kind of had a kismisis going on with him, didn’t it? He was going to bring up his blood colour, but he realized that might be pushing it a little. “ _Don’t count your cluckbeasts just yet.”_ he reminded himself. “So, was that all you needed? I’ll tell Nepeta you’re looking for her if I see her.” There was a Curt nod before the blueblood left his respiteblock.   
  


Well fuck. He suddenly had the urge to unblock Rose...


End file.
